Talk Nerdy To Me
by xXxNaru-LovexXx
Summary: Mai has had it with Naru. After he pulls a stunt with her, (because Mai can't understand him,) she decides to get a little revenge. Rated T for crude humour, coarse language and sexual references.


**I was sitting at home, thinking about music…for some reason. And anyway, I started thinking about that song "Talk Dirty" by Jason Derulo and 2 Chainz. So…**

**Here's your MaixNaru one-shot tribute to the song.**

**Welcome to the wonderful (and intelligently stupid) world of Naru in this sequence of…**

**Talk Nerdy to Me.**

**P.S.: Some sexual references such as 'sugar.' You'll understand in a minute..! I figured this story needed a little bit of 'sugar' references because the song is about…'sugar.'**

**Get ready for some intense dumbassery.**

**P.P.S.: I will drop a sentence for when you should listen to the song with Mai's personal lyrics. Trust me, it's going to be GREAT.**

**So, without further adieu,**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_**Ghost Hunt One-Shot:**__ Talk Nerdy to Me_

Naru sat in his 'lair' at SPR, reading a new book he had purchased about spirits. It seemed quite interesting, a novel by Bram Stoker that had never been released to the general public until now. Naru had managed to get his beautiful hands on a copy by using a new piece of technology via Internet called:

_**(Drumroll please…)**_

_ ._

And yet, of course, Naru already knew how to get around technological items.

I guess you could say he was the Master of It All.

Whatever 'It All' was.

* * *

The door opened and his clumsy assistant, Mai, walked in, teacup in hand. It seems that the girl had finally figured out that Naru wanted tea every hour and had a schedule.

Because it is a proven fact that every Ghost Hunter needs at least 8 litres of tea every day. It keeps Naru looking as fabulous as he is and also gives him the daily sugar intake that he needs without having to make any bargains with Mai!

She sat down adjacent to him, legs crossed. Mai sipped a teacup of her own, looking contented.

"So, Naru, you're reading a new book?" She smiled warmly.

"Yes. The author is Bram Stoker. This specific novel," Naru held the book up so Mai could see the cover. It read 'The Parapsychologist's Guide to Psychometry.' "had never been released to the public until yesterday."

"Then how come I've never heard any word of it?" Mai asked, confused. Her auburn eyes wandered up and down the book's cover, then hovered over Naru's indigo gaze. It hardened playfully.

"Because you're not interested in that kind of thing. Besides, you wouldn't believe how tragic a place the Depths of Dumb can be."

Mai huffed impudently and stood, pointing a finger to Naru's face. It was an inch from his nose.

"THAT'S IT! You're getting it now! Just- just… give me a minute!" Mai looked around the room, searching for something. It made no sense whatsoever to Naru until she pulled out a purple pen and a piece of note paper from his desk drawer.

She wrote frantically, pronouncing each word separately with each word written. "If-I-can't-curse-out-loud-I-will-write-what-I-have-to-say!" Her face was tomato red. "Here!" She folded the paper.

Naru watched with a humoured gaze as Mai shoved the piece of paper into his face. He accepted gladly, wanting to know what was on the girl's mind but also wanting to have an excuse to make fun of her again.

But only because he loved what she did when she was mad.

He unfolded the paper to see the purple writing inside. It read as follows.

* * *

_**Naru,**_

_**I swear to ****ing God – If I have to listen to your **** any longer, I'll go deaf! Make fun of me again and – you better ****ing believe me - you will suffer a very terrible, slow and painful death.**_

_**BESIDES – I cannot sink any lower into the "Depths of Dum", according to you!**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Your "stupid" assistant!**_

_**P.S. If you're going to use any lines on me, make sure they're not the s***ty old ones, but rather something new. I don't know how many times you've mentioned that place to me this year.**_

* * *

Naru held back a laugh when he read the note over again and again, each time his face going redder.

"Mai – you forgot the 'B.'"

She snatched the paper from his pale hands and ripped it to pieces, throwing them into the rubbish bin at the other side of the room.

"Now you don't have to read my 'imperfections' anymore." She stormed out of the room, fuming. Mai entered the salon area of the office and flopped onto the couch, her hands covering her face. She screamed silently with a black leather pillow over her face.

From his 'lair', Naru only heard few words.

Choice words of Mai's when she knew – or in this case, thought – Naru couldn't hear her.

"EGOTISTIC, NARCISSISTIC, ****ING BASTARD! If HE thinks that I will sit here and do NOTHING about him CRACKING ON MY S**T ANYMORE, he's DEAD WRONG!"

…_Yeah, she's mad now._

_And that's exactly how I like it here._

Naru pushed the door slightly ajar and peered out into the salon. Mai sat there on the couch, biting the pillow now. Naru couldn't help but smirk deviously at what he had done to his assistant.

_That's enough with the torture, Noll._ His inner voice told him. _I think you shouldn't make her mad anymore or she might explode._

Naru simply scoffed at her odd behavior and laughed quietly.

Unfortunately for him, Mai heard it. Her body snapped around so she could see her newest victim. Horror immediately flashed across his even-paler-than-normal face as he quickly turned around and slammed the door before she could lunge at him and let the disembowelment begin.

Mai jumped off of the couch and pounded on the door. "Naru, I'm done. I'm not angry anymore, trust me."

"And what if you're not?" Naru's voice carried through the oak door.

"Then you would die a terribly slow and painful death."

"…Alright." Naru opened the door and Mai stood there, tears in her brown eyes. She blinked quickly and one fell, racing down her pink cheek.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Naru." She sat down on the chair adjacent to Naru's desk as her face crumpled, buried in her hands.

Naru felt slightly abashed and angry with himself now. It was evident that he had taken everything too far, or that Mai had just overreacted. But yet again, he _did_ tease her all of the time, and it didn't seem very fair from Mai's end.

However, this, right here, is how Mai got every time she was mad.

First she would be terribly angry. Like kill-you-in-your-sleep angry.

Then she would get depressed, like she is now.

But after this, she would be just as happy as ever.

…Hopefully.

"You… you know why I'm mad at you right now?" Mai's voice cracked as she dried her tears with the palm of her hand. "Because I'm never able to…"

Naru sat in waiting for her response, pondering about what she would say next.

"…Understand you - because… You. Are. A. Nerd." She pronounced every word fluently with one single breath.

Naru looked slightly taken aback, his eyebrows reaching higher than ever before.

But nothing was compared to what Mai said next.

Actually, what Mai _sang_ next.

She crossed the room in two strides to pull out a CD player from inside Naru's desk. Whilst this happened, the only thought that ever crossed Naru's mind was _where in the hell did I get a CD player?_

She turned the thing on after plugging it in and inserted a CD of hers. She pressed Track 3 and stood in the middle of the room, arms swinging like she was warming up for a sport. She cracked her knuckles now.

"Mai, _what are you doing?" _Naru inquired, worried about the girl's health now.

* * *

_**(Play it now.)**_

The beat of the music started now.

Mai started to move her legs like she was preparing for a dance as well.

_"Naru. Hah hah!_

_Oliver Davis."_

His head snapped upwards.

_Get Nerdy on._

_"I'm that girl that you pick on, in the office too._

_First class seat in your van now, ride's uncomfortable. _

_Never know what you want or need, unless it's green tea!_

_Switched paper files on your laptop, now they're hard to read!_

_But around the world, you speak every language!_

_Everything has an explanation!_

_The only thing I don't understand is – when – you-_

_Talk Nerdy to Me."_

Mai began to list off every new word Naru had taught her at SPR to the beat of the song.

_"Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance."_

Mai threw her hands in the air in a questionable manner – now she just wanted revenge. Clearly she had been planning these lyrics for a long time, considering how terrifyingly accurate they were to Naru's persona. She started towards Naru now, dancing almost seductively.

And… it was working.

Naru's eyes widened.

_Get Nerdy on._

_"You know the terms for all ghosts, no idle thinking._

_Our conversations are long, you're too intelligent._

_I never know what you want, not a single thought!_

_Switched paper files on your laptop, you're gonna need a new one!_

_And around the world you speak every language!_

_Everything has an explanation!_

_The only thing I don't understand is – when – you –_

_Talk Nerdy to Me."_

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demons and clairvoyance._

Mai began to walk closer to Naru now, finger pointed directly at his face. She glared at him accusingly, but smiled all the while. Her hips swayed from side to side until Naru had to back up in pleasured alarm. He had to keep himself from outstretching his arms and inviting her towards himself.

**_Ichi._**

_Got no friends, you need one._

**_Ni._**

_You never have any fun._

**_San._**

_When's the last time you saw sun?_

**_Shi._**

"Okay, that's just rude payback." Naru smirked.

_Those black clothes, all for Gene though. So out of place you are thought a bozo._

_Give it a minute, you'll catch up. You are so distasteful I could throw up._

_International oral threats. Every time I'm somewhere with you, always makin' bets._

_Madoka said you'd never last a single minute in Japan if it wasn't for that. _(Mai pointed at herself.)

_Anyway, everyday I'm trying to get to you. Gotta say that you're dumb if you're rude to me._

_Anyway, everyday I'm trying to get to you! Gotta say that you're dumb if you're rude to me!_

_But around the world you speak every language!_

_Everything has an explanation!_

_The only thing I don't understand is – when – you-_

_Talk Nerdy to Me._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demon and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demon and clairvoyance._

_Retrocognition, astral projection, demon and clairvoyance._

_If I have to hear another word from you, I will surely go deaf!_

* * *

Mai looked over at Naru as he repeated the words while she sang.

"What? I don't understand!"She sang.

Mai laughed as she turned the CD player off and tucked it back under Naru's desk. She walked up to him, her chest touching his, looking up into his face.

"You going to make fun of me ever again?"

"Possibly. I liked your dancing."

Naru bent down, cupped Mai's face with one hand, the other on her back, and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms, eyes wide in shocked please. She formally accepted and responded with excited energy.

When they broke apart, a brisk rapping sounded at the door.

Lin walked in, smiling.

"So, Mai, I hear you finally got your payback."

He looked between the two, both blushing furiously as if Lin had walked in on them doing something freaky.

"And I suppose you also apparently got your lifelong dream." The man smiled and exited the room, closing the door quietly before beginning to type away on his laptop in the salon area.

Naru brushed the appearance off of his shoulders and glared at the clock. It read 5:28. "That was quite the show. You deserve a treat. What do you say to dinner tonight, Mai?" He smiled a genuine smile.

"Now that's something I can understand." She replied happily, a huge smile breaking her blank expression.

Naru grabbed hold of her arm and escorted her out the door and into the streets of Shibuya.

* * *

**How'd you like that one?! More vulgar than my other ones, yes, so it's rated T for a big reason.**

**And yet, I didn't squeeze a lemon in there! Yay for me!**

**'Cause if I did it would be rated M.**

**Heehee! See you all later!**

**-xXxNaru-LovexXx**


End file.
